Today the sun is beautiful and warm, there is a slight breeze and I think I can admit that things have got on top of me. It is allowed of course.
Started off with a phone call from a nurse last night who is relieving the community oncology nurse who checks on me to see if I am fine. This one who rang me sounded dire and depressed, not the tone of a voice to inspire joy and happiness for the coming weekend. I know that cancer is one of the hardest subjects to deal with, but if you're feeling a little shaky yourself, the last thing you want to hear is a depressed voice. And even after my happy answer, she still asked if I was sure, it was a miserable 'are you sure'. Right, that started me off. I guess by the end of the conversation I had offended her, so on top of everything else, I felt bad. If she'd had a bad and hectic week, taking the time to compose oneself before contacting others is the optimum thing to do in my book.
Watched TV while stitching later on. It was the Renovation Man. They were showing a couple who were rebuilding a historic windmill to live in. The wife found out she had terminal cancer and died before the windmill was completed. Heart wrenching to say the least. Actually forgot my own predicament. No, thats not true, a slow and steady snowball was starting to gather pace.
Along with the incessant pain I had in my lower back and shoulder all day. Stiffness starting in my broken hip. Watching the footage of Sir Paul Holmes funeral. Trying to get my head around how my DH is coping with his work as well as me. Deciding, or coming to grips with the fact his work is way more supportive than my work, and I am just about ready to toss it in, because they are wanting answers and times, and I can't confirm to anything. Oh but wait I have been given up to year to live...what do I do. They said they would hold my job, but for how long. Will I ever want to go back. Do I want to cope with people who only ring to see when the latest medic cert will get to them, those sympathetic looks - you know the ones. One woman who always popped in from the city to visit me (the cynic in me thinks the visits were to get off work!!!) , hasn't even sent me a text. Response to that when I queried it...really busy with work. Must have found someone else to visit during work time huh!
Then learning one of my dearest friends is in Wellington for the day at a conference, yesterday. She wanted to see me. It would have been great. But I am not in hospital, so the turn around time to get out to Upper Hutt was too much with having to catch a plane. My friend will read his, and she will be feeling exactly the same. Devastated no doubt :-(
Well really feeling sorry for myself aren't I.
I do have some good news in the radiation begins on my brain and shoulder next week. That should start clearing stuff up a bit. The next phaze in the big clean up. Oh and my stitching is going fine. LOL.
Today it was swimming sports at Nadias school. She will catch the train home later, but I feel bad I didn't attend. Last year I went over to Masterton, watched the events and then brought her home for the weekend. Can't be helped in the circumstances, but I didn't show the flag of support very well did I? Probably would have been more sympathetic looks and a slight amount of embarrassment on Nadias part, even though I know she is proud of me, as I am of her.
I guess I am going through that feeling lonely syndrome, that people who have followed my blog know I go in and out of regularly. But today I really do, I just want a good belly laugh with someone, and enjoy the day.. And ugly, I feel really ugly...I thought I could cope with no hair again...it is cool on a day like today, but I feel ugly, really ugly. Is that allowed??? Gosh I am now sounding like Miranda off TV :-)
I just read and posted on a blog of one of my dearest stitching buddies. She gives me such inspiration. With her stitching, the fantastic way she cares for her husband and 6 children. We have always lived close to each other...but one step away. We both lived in the Waikato, she went to the
West Coast, we went to South Canterbury, then she moved to South Canterbury, we went to West Coast and now we are in Wellington. Her life is full of ups and downs, but she continues to inspire me. Thanks for that Andie :-)
I hope my post has not been too depressing for you all. I just felt like sharing with someone. I know the internet isn't the most private or intimate of forums, but I know only a few people follow my blog. Thats ok, they are the ones that matter most. I have visited a few blogs today. I love seeing what people have worked on. It cheers me no end.
Keep up the good work everyone, your craft projects bring me joy, as no doubt they bring to you.
Thanks for visiting me today. Next time I will be in a happier frame of mind.
Heres a sneak peak of what I am working on at the moment.
Best better go and do some more. My baby will be home on the train soon. :-)
One thing I have noticed with my blog and comparing to such places as facebook. Most people who know me, know I think Facebook is ridiculous. Its a way of 'keeping up appearances' on a widespread scale. You can see what your friends or aquaintances are up to. You can have 500 friends, and not really have anything to do with them. When I closed my Facebook account, I invited people to follow my blog instead. I even had to explain to one friend that to comment on the blog, you 'comment' on the blog, not put the comment on Facebook. She didn't like that. I have noticed that with a lot of others too. Why is it so hard to extend to commenting on someones blog rather than 'like' or give a 2 word answer on FB. Is it that foreign?
I guess with a blog, you are getting onto more of a personal level...you actually have to show true interest in what the person actually enjoys, (sometimes it can be a surprise) rather than - I burnt my batch of muffins today. My clothesline broke. My car ran out of oil etc etc....
In a way it sucks, but if thats someones choice on whether they comment or not, or even visit, so be it. I have hardly heard from anyone since I am no more on FB. It really does serve as food for thought. I personally am happier doing the blog thing!!!!